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Forum Member
 
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Last Login: 31 December 2008 13:24
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Half way through the sermon this little old fellah got up and went out .... during the prayers he returned and sat down for the rest of the service when a church warden sought him out to ask whas anything wrong.
"Oh no", he replied, "I went for a haircut"
"Couldn't you have gone before the service", asked the CW
The old man replied, "I didn't need one then!"
Quatenus in hebdomades quattuor et dies duos ire possumus?
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Forum Member
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Last Login: Yesterday @ 09:37
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Kids Are Quick
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TEACHER: Maria , go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria .
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TEACHER: John , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie , name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
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TEACHER: Glen , why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie , give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE : I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie ..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE : All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie , do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS : Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold , what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher
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Forum Poster
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Last Login: 23 December 2008 07:31
Posts: 75,
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| A little girl is busy drawing: Teacher: What is it that you're drawing there Mary? Mary: I'm drawing God. Teacher: But we don't know what God looks like. Mary: Well, when I've finished my picture you will.
He who laughs last is a fool for waiting so long!
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Forum Poster
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 23 December 2008 07:31
Posts: 75,
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| Another little girl is busy drawing: Teacher: And what is it that you're drawing Jane? Jane: I'm drawing God driving Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden. Teacher: OK, so why is God driving a Land Rover? Jane: Well, there were'nt any roads in the Garden of Eden, silly!
He who laughs last is a fool for waiting so long!
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Forum Poster
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Last Login: 23 December 2008 07:31
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| Two peas are talking. !st Pea: I'm so glad you're my friend, we get on so well together. 2nd Pea: Yes I think our friendship is great. Never a cross word, we'd each do anything for the other. 1st Pea: I know, it's so great. My mum sayes that we're just like two peas in a pod. 2nd Pea: ................. Well, we are two peas in a pod.
He who laughs last is a fool for waiting so long!
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Forum Member
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Last Login: Yesterday @ 09:37
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An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for an Inland Revenue inspector and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the Inland Revenue inspector and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
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Forum Poster
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Last Login: 23 December 2008 07:31
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| In the long gone days of Grammar Schools, such institutions demanded a certain code of conduct, behaviour and immaculate manners. In essence, it didn't matter what you said to whom, provided you spoke correctly and politely and you were immaculatly dressed. So. A boy was waiting at a bus stop to meet his friend. A trolleybus arrived, but the boy's friend was not on it. The boy enquired of the bus inspector who was riding on the rear platform: 'Excuse me Sir! But can you tell me how long the next trolleybus will be?' '27 foot 6 inches the same as this one.' came the reply. 'Thank you very much indeed Sir!' replied the boy. 'And will it have an idiot on the back like this one, please Sir?'
He who laughs last is a fool for waiting so long!
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