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RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 23:35:06 GMT

Two countrymen were leaning on a farm gate chewing straw, when a smart man drove up in an even smarter sports car and stopped beside them.

'Excuse me!' said the man, 'Is this the road to Birmingham please?'

'It could be!' replied the first countryman, after a long pause.

'Well is it or isn't it?' said the man in an inpatient manner.

'You see Sir,' said the second countryman 'We never go further than the post office in the next village. Perhaps you could ask there?'

'Yes I will thank you my man. I'll do just that!' he started the car.

'Excuse me Sir!' said the first countryman. 'But how did you become such a rich man to be able to have such a fine motorcar?'

'Quick thinking my man! Quick thinking!'

There was another long pause, then the second countryman spoke again. 'And exactly what would that be then Sir?'

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 23:16:52 GMT

In church they say 'Stand up, stand up for Jesus!' while in the cinema they say 'Sit down, sit down for Christ's sake!' Perhaps the church and the entertainments industry should set up a joint working party to produce a common policy as to their expectations for the exact roll of Our Lord and Saviour in their establishments..

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 23:40:50 GMT

Being a highwayman was a very lonely life, and apart from his faithful horse D i c k Turpin had no one for company in the long lonley evenings after the last stagecoach of the day had been robbed.

He so longed for a companion. Someone to love and cherrish, who would prepare his food and keep him warm in the long cold and lonley nights.

Internet dating and speed dating had not been invented, and the newspapers of the day didn't have lonley hearts columns.

As he lay awake is his cold lonley bed D i c k pondered his position. Always a man of action, even if a rather shy one, he finally decided on a plan of action before he fell soundly asleep.

The next day, feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed, D i c k set about his first hold up of the day. As the stage approached he pulled his curchief over his face, cocked his pistols and rode out boldly in front of the stage. He fired a shot in the air and uttered those now famouse words: 'STAND AND DELIVER! YOUR MONEY OR YOUR WIFE!'

RE: Jokes

Forsythia@fish.co.uk — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 19:47:54 GMT

Why do peguins laugh at priests in black and white frocks?

Because they stand on their own freezing!

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 21:02:50 GMT

A young Nun entered the Doctor's consulting room, and after only a few minutes she ran from the surgery hysterical and in floods of tears. The Receptionist asked the Doctor what was wrong with her.

'Oh, I told her she was pregnant!'

'Is she?' asked the Receptionist.

'Well, no. But it cured her cough!'

RE: Jokes

Tony B — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 15:39:03 GMT

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.

Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.

The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

Paddy could scarcely believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

Couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on
the big pit saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.

And sure enough, Mick is out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

So Mick comes back to work.

But, being accident prone as usual, within a couple of days he somehow manages to sever his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did for him?'

No,' says the nurse, 'Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.'
:laugh::Whistling:

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 15:47:42 GMT

The pilot's voice came loud and clear over the PA system on the aircraft:

'This is your Captain speaking! The more observant of you will have noticed that our port engine is on fire and a large section of flap has fallen off of the port wing. As a result of the fire some of the electrical systems have shut down automatically and this has cut off the fuel supply to the starboard engine which has stopped working. However there is no cause for concern, as help is at hand. If you look out of the starboard side of the aircraft, down below in the sea you will see a small yellow dingy with a flashing light on top. And it is from here that your Captain is speaking!'

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 07:14:06 GMT

A keen Christian man was on holiday in the west of England, and on the Sunday morning he ventured into a local church.

The preacher was giving a most enlightened talk, which greatly inspired the visitor. After each significant revalation from the pulpit, the man threw his arms in the air and said 'Praise the Lord!'

Afrer he had done this a few times, the church warden tapped him on the back. 'Excuse me Sir!' he said quietly, 'but we don't 'Praise the Lord' in this church!':D

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 06:45:58 GMT

Recent visitors to a national newspaper's offices at Canary Warf were surprised to be subjected to cranial blows as they entered the building.

One brave man had the audacity to question the motives and actions of the perpetrator of these attacks.

The attacker: 'Oh! Well, I'm aloud to do that! I'm the 'ead 'itor!'

RE: Jokes

Tony B — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 17:46:45 GMT

There are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.'

RE: Jokes

Tony B — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 17:46:13 GMT

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on? Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown and some other politicans. They're asking for a £10 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection" The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?" The chap replies "About a gallon."

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 14:41:55 GMT

There was a convention of Clergy being held at the Seaside Towers Hotel in Brighton.

The first Clergymnan arrived at the reception desk and checked in. He was given a room number and a key, and off he went in the lift.

Five minutes later the same Clergyman arrived back at the reception desk: I'm sorry to complain, but I have a problem!' he said to the receptionist.

Receptionist: 'I'm so sorry Sir, but we don't have problems at the Seaside Towers Hotel, just advantages.'

Clergyman: 'Well, you can call it what you like, but there's a strange woman in my room.'

RE: Jokes

Tony B — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 20:13:34 GMT

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 00:15:31 GMT

It's two in the morning when two martians arrive at a petrol station in rural Hampshire. The place is deserted. They look arround.

'Here are the Earthlings!' called one to the other. 'Over here!'

The first Martian looked at a petrol pump. 'We come in peace! Take us to your leader!' There was no reply.

'Perhaps they don't speak English? Our mission pack sayes that there are a lot of forieners living here.' said the other. 'Let me try.'

'We come from the planet Mars. We are friends and wish to pay our greetings to your leader!' There was no reply.

The first Martian then walked around the fourcourt examining all the other 11 petrol pumps. 'I think I see the problem. They are all asleep with their fingers in their ears.'

'You are right! How strange! We should come back when the sun is visible, and they have woken up.' said ther other.

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 23:39:07 GMT

For the last three months, bicycles have beed disappearing all over town. from outside shops, back yards, swimming baths, work places, schools and even the railway station. Between 20 and 40 bikes go missing every day. A spokesperson for the local police said: 'We are beginning to suspect that a bicycle theif may be operating illegally in the area.':P

RE: Jokes

Miss Understood — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 20:32:59 GMT

A man has been killed in Ireland, reports say the man was bludgened to death with whta seem to be a pocilen doll and an old tea-spoon. Police are claiming this to be the first known case of "nik-nak paddy wack"

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 07:59:25 GMT

In a pleasant green land away to the west, a new mine manager was beginning the first day in his new post. He knew nothing and no-one but hung his mine managers' certificate on the office wall with pride.

O'Mally came running into the office to report that Murphey had been killed in a rock fall deep underground. Not a good start to his first day, and he didn't seem to know what to do except to fill in the appropriate accident report form.

'Perhaps we should tell his widow?' observed the manager after all the paperwork was complete. 'Where does he live!?'

'He lives down in Harbour Cottages, but I'm not sure which one! Will I be after going down there to try and find his widow then Sir?'

'Oh, yes if you would! As you were with him when he died, and I don't know my way around the village yet.'

So, O'Mally made his way to Harbour Cottages, and as he turned the corner he thought he rememberd that Murphey lived in No 1. He knocked on the door and a woman came and opened it. 'Top o' the mornin' to yer Madam! Would yer be the Widow Murphey?'

RE: Jokes

Tony B — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 09:57:00 GMT

The young couple had appreciated the care the pastor took in preparing them for marriage, so they asked if they could become full church members.
"Well," said the pastor, "that is a deeply spiritual matter, and a big commitment. I need you to be able to demonstrate that you are ready for the discipline. Can you both abstain from sex for 6 weeks?"
The couple looked a bit crestfallen - they were still very newly-wed, and passionate by nature, but theyagreed that they wold give it a go.
Six weeks later, they met with the pastor, who asked if they had been able to maintain their abstinence. The husband took a deep breath.
"Well, pastor, we did find it hard going, but we were determined to show that we could do it, and it worked fine until yesterday morning. My wife dropped a paintbrush, bent down to pick it up, and when I saw her cute little bottom wiggling at me I couldn't resist it - I had to have her right there and then."
"I'm sorry," answered the pastor coldly, "you just don't have the disciplne required. I'm afraid you won't be welcome in my church."
"No," said the husband. "We aren't welcome in B&Q either..."

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 00:54:22 GMT

A clergyman called at an address to interview a couple who had expressed an interest in getting married in his local parish church. He knocked the door and was ushered into a neat lounge and given tea and buscuits by the prospective bride.

'Well now! So you two would like to get married, and you are hoping that I will agree to marry you in the parish church?'

'Yes please!' said the man.

'We've got our hearts set on a nice church wedding Vicar!' added the woman.

'I see! Well marriage is a very serious commitment, and far too many couples don't understand that, and then they get divorced. So I'm afraid that I have to be very strict and selective as to whom I am prepared to marry and whom I am not. Now you don't have to worry, but I must be assured of your commitment to each other. I have some questions here which I will ask you, and I want you both to be truthful in your answers please.'

They both agreed.

'So, can you give me ten reasons why you wish to enter into holy matrimony together?'

'Of course!' said the man as he opened the door and called up the stairs. 'Mary, Jennifer, Sandra, John, Phillip, Betty, Gloria, Edward, Jimmy, Rosemary, will you all come down and meet the vicar please?'

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 00:29:22 GMT

A vicar died, and after three weeks in Heaven he was very disappointed and upset, he didn't like the place at all. In frustration he decided to complain.

As he approached the information desk the scantily dressed young girl on duty greeted him. 'Welcome to Information Sir, I'm Pusseycat. How may I pleasure you?'

'Well I've been here in Heaven for three weeks now, and I'm very disappointed. It's not the promised land I've read about in the Bible and preached about for over 50 years! It seems to be a land of appartment blocks and gambling dens, and nearly all the women are on the game. I find it quite disgusting and realy rather frightening!.'

'Oh, I'm very sorry Sir! This isn't Heaven! It's an American online cybersex game. You must have got a corrupt RAM or hard drive. Try rebooting your computer, Sir. Thank you for visiting Information. Have a nice day!'

RE: Jokes

Tony B — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 10:08:09 GMT

The Abbot had ruled the house for many years, and was well-known as a dour, crusty old disciplinarian. The brothers put it down to his great holiness, so when he died, they gave him a suitably wonderful send-off. A little while later, one of the other brothers died, and found himself wandering around the other side. To his great surprise, he came upon the old abbot, still looking as crusty as ever, but sitting down with a stunningly beautiful blonde sitting on his knee.

"Father Abbot!" cried the young man, "So good to meet you in heaven, and see you have gained your reward for all those years of devoted abstention!"

"You're wrong," grunted the old codger. "This isn't heaven, and she's not my reward - I'm her punishment."

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 05:51:45 GMT

Brother Isac had never left the monastry, devoting his life to prayer within the cloisters. One day a vacancy arose for a local parish priest, and Isac applied for the job.

The Bishop was amazed, but told Isac he would consider him for the job if he could prove that he was a more wordly young man.

So, after dark Brother Isac left the monastry gates and ventured out down the narrow streets into the town. As he walked, ladies were calling to him from their balconies; 'Naughty night Brother? 500 euros.' He did not understand them, and thought that they must be very poor people as they seemed to have few clothes to wear.

He became very frightened and he ran and he ran till he reached the gates of the convent on the opposite hill. He hammered on the door. He was recieved and made welcome by the Mother Superior, and given food and communion wine to steady his nerves. Soon he was recovered enough to begin his journey home to the monastry, and as he was about to leave, he asked; 'Please can you tell me, What is a 'naughty night'?'

Mother Superior smilled broadly; '500 euros Brother! Sister Mary! It's someone to see you dear!'

RE: Jokes

Monty — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 23:36:16 GMT

A preacher dies, and gets to the purley gates, along with a London Cabbie.

The cabbie appraches Saint Peter, who welcomes him to Heaven warmly, wraps a purple robe around his shoulders, hands him a golden staff, and assures his heavenly mansion is ready.

The preacher, then approaches Saint Peter, and is given a wooden staff, and informed that his lodgings are ready.

A bit miffed, the preacher asks Saint Peter,

"When I was alive, I devoted myself to good deeds, daily study, and the preaching of the word. But this cabbie, who drank, cursed and womanized, gets preferential treatment, why?"

Saint Peter gently replied:

"When you preached, people slept, when the cabbie drove, people prayed!"

Shalom

RE: Jokes

Miss Understood — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 16:22:15 GMT

Sarah and james were sat in sunday school, Sally, sat infront of james, kept fallin asleep. The sunday school teacher noticed sally asleep on her desk and asked

" sally, who created the heavens and the earth?"

not wanting sally to be introuble james poked the pin from his badge into sally's back and sally replied " GOD ALMIGHTY"

the sunday school teacher was impressed and askes the rest of the group more questions, during this time sally fell asleep again. Once again noticing the sleeping sally the teacher asked

"sally who died on the cross"

and agin not wanting sally to be in troueble james stick the pin into sally's back. Sally then shouted "Jeaus Christ" and once again the sunday school teacher was impressed at sally's enthusiasm.

after another 10 mins sally had fallen asleep and the teacher for the third time noticed sally asleep and asked " sally, what did eve say after her 36th child" and again james stuck the pin into sally's back. This time shally shouted at the top of her voice " if you stick that thing in me one more time i'll snap it in half" :w00t:

RE: Jokes

Editor Andy — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 10:55:28 GMT

The Bells

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skill, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. 'You have no arms!'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe!'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
'BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'....

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. 'What has happened? Who is the man?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, but.............'
HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 10:43:56 GMT

Two Aliens are walking in the park. One is explaining the features of the park to the other:

1st Alien: That water they call their boating lake. They sit in plastic tubs with birds heads on the front and move around in circles using sticks they call oars.

2nd Alien: Mad!

1st Alien: And that building with a roof and no walls they call their band stand. They sit around all afternoon on canvas chairs listing to the performers making terrible squeeky noises on things they call instruments.

2nd Alien: These humans are certainly very odd.

1st Alien: And over there are the bushes where the humans conduct their mating ritules, necessary to produce their offspring and continue their very strange existance on Planet Earth.

2nd Alien: So primative! I'm glad you mentioned the subject of offspring! Would you like to have offspring? I know I would!

1st Alien: Oh goody goody! I thought you'd never ask! Of course I would like offspring!

2nd Alien: Great! Well, let's teleport down to Argos and see what they've got!

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 22:10:30 GMT

Yes. That story of the Pope reminds me of a true story, which is quite ammusing:

Some years ago, my wife worked with a lady named Mrs Pope. Now Mrs Pope had been ill, and a friend of ours who just happened to be a Roman Catholic Parish Priest, invited Mrs Pope to stay with him and his housekeeper at his refrectory while she recovered.

There was a local Irish family with a very dominant mother, who was enraged that her children were to be confirmed in the parish in which they went to school, rather than in their home parish. She told her husband to go round to the Priest and tell him of her concerns. She briefed her husband as to the exact nature of her complaint, complete with all the appropriate swear words.

When the husband arrived at the refrrectory, only Mrs Pope was at home, so she promised to give the message to the Father as soon as he arrived home (complete with all the swear words).

The husband went back home, where his wife demended to know if her message had been delivered to the priest. 'The Father wasn't in so I left the message for him.'

'Who did you leave the message with?' the wife demended to know.

'Oh, somebody called Pope.' he truthfully replied.

Where upon the wife threw herself to the floor and proceeded to recite the rosary and say hail Mary's for nearly an hour. She thought the her message, complete with all the swear words, had been left with His Holidess himself.

RE: Jokes

Tony B — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 21:04:57 GMT

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. 'There might be something extra in it for you,' says The Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the Cop. The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop. The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'Governor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?' Cop: 'He's got the *&^% Pope as a chauffeur!'

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 00:54:17 GMT

In the long gone days of Grammar Schools, such institutions demanded a certain code of conduct, behaviour and immaculate manners. In essence, it didn't matter what you said to whom, provided you spoke correctly and politely and you were immaculatly dressed.

So. A boy was waiting at a bus stop to meet his friend. A trolleybus arrived, but the boy's friend was not on it.

The boy enquired of the bus inspector who was riding on the rear platform: 'Excuse me Sir! But can you tell me how long the next trolleybus will be?'

'27 foot 6 inches the same as this one.' came the reply.

'Thank you very much indeed Sir!' replied the boy. 'And will it have an idiot on the back like this one, please Sir?'

RE: Jokes

Tony B — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 23:32:02 GMT

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for an Inland Revenue inspector and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the Inland Revenue inspector and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:57:05 GMT

Two peas are talking.

!st Pea: I'm so glad you're my friend, we get on so well together.

2nd Pea: Yes I think our friendship is great. Never a cross word, we'd each do anything for the other.

1st Pea: I know, it's so great. My mum sayes that we're just like two peas in a pod.

2nd Pea: ................. Well, we are two peas in a pod.:w00t:

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:52:17 GMT

Another little girl is busy drawing:

Teacher: And what is it that you're drawing Jane?

Jane: I'm drawing God driving Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden.

Teacher: OK, so why is God driving a Land Rover?

Jane: Well, there were'nt any roads in the Garden of Eden, silly!:P

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:48:57 GMT

A little girl is busy drawing:

Teacher: What is it that you're drawing there Mary?

Mary: I'm drawing God.

Teacher: But we don't know what God looks like.

Mary: Well, when I've finished my picture you will.:D

RE: Jokes

Tony B — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 15:34:51 GMT

Kids Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria , go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria .
____________________________________

TEACHER: John , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie , name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen , why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie , give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE : I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie ..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE : All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie , do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS : Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold , what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher

RE: Jokes

Tedi Worrier — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 18:41:34 GMT

Half way through the sermon this little old fellah got up and went out .... during the prayers he returned and sat down for the rest of the service when a church warden sought him out to ask whas anything wrong.

"Oh no", he replied, "I went for a haircut"
"Couldn't you have gone before the service", asked the CW

The old man replied, "I didn't need one then!"

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 22:20:35 GMT

A garden gnome was sitting on a toadstall fishing in the birdbath when a stranger came by:

Stranger: 'Excuse me, but are you a fisherman?'

Gnome: 'Well no! Actually I'm a Doctor.'

Stranger: 'Well you don't look like a Doctor!'

Gnome: 'Surley you've heard of The National Elf Service!'

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 23:11:38 GMT

A Mountaineer, a Methodist Minister and a gentleman from a green island over ther sea were flying in a small aircraft. The pilot said that the plane was about to crash and that he was going to try and crashland with the plane.

There were only two parashutes, so the three men should decide who was to use them, and the third man would have to take a chance with the pilot in the crashlanding.

The Methodist Minister said that the two with the most children should make the parashute jump, and the others all agreed. 'Well I have two children myself', said the Minister.

'I have a girl of 10 and a boy of seven', said the Mountaineer.

The man from the green island said that he had twelve children, so it was agreed that he should jump first. So he jumped.

The Methodist Minister then said, 'Well it's up to us now to decide which of us uses the other parashute'.

'No necessary!' said the mountaineer. 'We still have two parashutes. That man from the green island jumped out with my rucksack.'

RE: Jokes

Rambler — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 10:21:47 GMT

For many years a man had a dog as a faithful friend and companion. When it died he was distraught. Eventually he decided to buy another pet but felt he would like some other sort of animal that was easier to look after.

The pet shop owner recommended a centipede. "Marvellous little animals," he said. "They're very lively. They’ve got a hundred legs but they don’t eat much food and you can keep them in a little box."

The man duly bought a centipede, took it home and made a comfortable box for it to live in. The centipede settled down very happily in its new abode.

A few days later the man called into the centipede's box. "Would you like to go for a walk in the park?"

He didn't get any answer so he called again. "Would you like to go for a walk in the park?"

Still no answer. This time he put his mouth very close to the box and shouted. "I SAID WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR A WALK IN THE PARK?"

A small voice yelled back. "Can't you wait? I'm putting my shoes on."

RE: Jokes

JayBee2 — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 10:08:53 GMT

Back in the bad old days of hanging, a condemed man was walking with his executioner across the prison yard towards the place of exection. It was tipping down with rain.

Condemed man: 'Not a very nice day for it then!'

Executioner: 'It's all right for you Son, I've got to walk back in this lot!'

RE: Jokes

Tony B — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 10:06:53 GMT

A tortoise had the misfortune to slip over the edge of a cliff, and found himself stranded on a ledge. After a time, seagull landed on the ledge, and asked him what he was doing there. "I can't climb up," replied the tortoise. "I don't know how to get off this ledge."

"Well," answered the seagull, "perhaps I can help. If my pal and I pick up a branch between us, and you bit hard and hold on, we can carry you to the top of the cliff."

The tortoise agreed to give it a try, the two birds each held one end of the branch in their beaks, the tortoise bit as hard as he could, and when they took off again, he found himself lifted into the air. Up they flew rising steadily towards the top of the cliff. "Nearly there," called the seagull, are you OK?"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees........"