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"That sermon was so long, my bottom has gone to sleep."
"I know - I heard it snore three times."
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Last Login: 15 October 2008 15:24
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The vicar was droning on so much in his sermon about how we should repent of our sins that Fred eventually fell fast asleep.
He continued to sleep as the vicar moved on to a lengthy exhortation about keeping the Ten Commandments. He jerked awake when the vicar finally pointed a finger at him and asked "And what are you going to do about them?"
"Turn my back on the lot!" was the quick reply.
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| Patient: After the operation, will I be able to play the piano? Consultant: Of course Madam. Patient: Well, I think the NHS is wonderful then! I can't play the piano now!
He who laughs last is a fool for waiting so long!
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Forum Poster
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Last Login: 23 December 2008 07:31
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| A man stood on the stage before an audience of bookmakers. 'I'm one of triplets, and my two brothers and I can answer any sporting questions from the 20th Century. Who would like to ask the frist question?' A bookmaker raised his hand. 'Who came third in the Cheltenham God Cup in 1936?' The man on the stage thought for a moment. 'I'm sorry Sir, but my brother is the one who would know that. Any other questions?' He looked around the audience. A second bookmaker raised his hand. 'Who scored the winning goal in the 1908 FA Cup Final?' The man on the stage thought hard. 'I'm very sorry Sir, but my other brother would be the one who would know that.'
He who laughs last is a fool for waiting so long!
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| Credit where credit id due: The Vicar was speaking from the pulpit: 'We are endebted to Mrs Ramsbottom today for stepping into the organ playing at such short notice. Never have Christian Soldiers marched forwards with such loud gusto or at such a fast pace. Those of you who were at Tueday's bell practice on Thursday will recall her husband's unfortunate encounter with the tenor bell rope. Thank you Lord for our wonderful firefighters and paramedics who so expertly extricated his twisted body from ceiling of the tower and removed him to the hospital. We wish him a speedy recovery'.
He who laughs last is a fool for waiting so long!
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A tortoise had the misfortune to slip over the edge of a cliff, and found himself stranded on a ledge. After a time, seagull landed on the ledge, and asked him what he was doing there. "I can't climb up," replied the tortoise. "I don't know how to get off this ledge."
"Well," answered the seagull, "perhaps I can help. If my pal and I pick up a branch between us, and you bit hard and hold on, we can carry you to the top of the cliff."
The tortoise agreed to give it a try, the two birds each held one end of the branch in their beaks, the tortoise bit as hard as he could, and when they took off again, he found himself lifted into the air. Up they flew rising steadily towards the top of the cliff. "Nearly there," called the seagull, are you OK?"
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees........"
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| Back in the bad old days of hanging, a condemed man was walking with his executioner across the prison yard towards the place of exection. It was tipping down with rain. Condemed man: 'Not a very nice day for it then!' Executioner: 'It's all right for you Son, I've got to walk back in this lot!'
He who laughs last is a fool for waiting so long!
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Last Login: 15 October 2008 15:24
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For many years a man had a dog as a faithful friend and companion. When it died he was distraught. Eventually he decided to buy another pet but felt he would like some other sort of animal that was easier to look after.
The pet shop owner recommended a centipede. "Marvellous little animals," he said. "They're very lively. They’ve got a hundred legs but they don’t eat much food and you can keep them in a little box."
The man duly bought a centipede, took it home and made a comfortable box for it to live in. The centipede settled down very | | | |